You Know What? Chickenbutt with Jaime Moyer

Halle: Mega is an improvised satire from the staff of a fictional mega church. And this episode was recorded. Live on Twitter.

hi, I'm Haley Labon. And this is mega coming to you from twin Hills community church, where every single week we give our mega church, a tiny family feel introducing you to members of our church staff. Sometimes people from our community. It's a treat and a treasure. Well, per usual, I'm joined by my co-host he's the youth pastor for our high school ministry called climax.

Please. Welcome. Gray 

Gray: has per reach and his word and feeling so good. Highly. How are you? 

Halle: I am so good. I am too grateful to be hateful. How are you, how are your kids at climate 

Gray: Holly? I hate to brag, but I will just for a second because all the glory is his, but some of it is mine. I ain't. On fire this week at climax, between Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, all the different activities into services that we've been doing.

I've had 70. Teenagers faint a pass out while I am preaching. That is how impactful these messages have been. Oh, I it's been so good. I mean, I kind of feel a bit like a rock star because I'm like, oh, you know, I've heard of people doing that at the Beatles and you know, um, definitely at like a Ricky Martin concert or something, but I check.

Oh, you don't. I, I must be in my zone. Holly. It's it's really good. And, uh, luckily, no, one's gone hurt. As far as I know, I was going to tell you I'm 

Halle: feeling amazing. Oh, I'm so glad. Yeah. The thing that I can't wait to tell Steve, I've been meaning to tell you this, my son day, um, who comes to climax, he was telling me that a lot of the kids are doing this new trend where they hold their breath until they pass out.

Cause then they get to go to the nurses station and she gets them frappuccinos from the cafe. What? Yeah. They're like trying to get out of praise and worship and stuff. 

Gray: Uh, no, I don't think that's true. I don't think so. Because that style of preaching that I'm doing right now is all about the cliffhanger and yes, maybe they are holding their breath, but they're holding their breath because they, uh, hanging on top of.

For the ending of my sermons that usually just blow that minds. I mean, sometimes I think it's like, you know, a thrilling movie or a really good Tik TOK is something. 

Halle: Well, the story of Christ 

is 

Gray: compelling. Yeah, it is. It's really compelling. And the way I've been doing it is really compelling. So cool. I just, you know, it's like fast and furious, but preaching.

I got to talk today. I'm going to check it again. Um, anyway, how was your week? Holly? Well, 

Halle: turns out I was holding my breath this week too. 

Gray: Oh, really? What's going on. Well, 

Halle: I might need your prayer at covet. Your prayers. Um, turns out I might have a cyst on an ovary and my doctor says it's probably nothing to worry about and you know, it's could be a routine thing, but it feels kind of scary.

Are you gay? Are you okay? What are you doing? Are you holding your breath? 

Gray: Yeah, I just, um, I really don't want to talk about this.

Okay. So I'm on week two of drinking magic mind every day. And honestly, I feel great. I don't have to caffeinate in the afternoon. I've been sleeping better. It's helped me stay focused and alert while I'm working on the podcast. In fact, I think gray would be dropping some magic mind in his shakes. Every single day.

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That's magic, mind.co/mega. And thanks magic mind.

Janey: Um,

Halle: just like Jesus wet and prayed in the garden of Gethsemane 70 our guest today, she sweats and braise in the gardens around twin Hills. Welcome back to the program. Ms. Janie Meyer. 

Janey: I can't leave. I bad. Got that program. Thank you for having me. It's made. Oh, 

Gray: Chaney. We are so glad that you are still with us.

And I were able to join us today because as many people know around here, you run all things, uh, grounds, grass, gardens, plants, anything that's outside, you are in charge of. And you are one of our oldest staff members and maybe one of the oldest members of our church. And so it's just, we're just so grateful that 

Janey: you.

Oh, yeah. I'll tell you what. I am loving my grounds work these days, we have got full boulders and smite parts of the garden and we got, I got baby Jesus. He's shaped like a, like, um, the basically birds of prey is the name of the plant. Little eyes on him and I swaddle Wydell the plant. And it's my baby Jesus.

Halle: Oh, like in a manger, but in a bird of prey, parrot of, in a bird of prey Bush. 

Janey: Yeah. Now, now Janey, I think you're right. It is bird. A bird of prey is all different planet. It says. Usually found in Phoenix, Phoenix, Arizona. 

Halle: That's where you vacation in that, right? Phoenix, 

Janey: Arizona. If you're going to get me on a plane, it better land in Phoenix.

That's what I always say, because there's no place better to get delicious food than the Phoenix airport. 

Halle: Is that right? What do you get, do they have sushi? What are you doing? 

Janey: Sushi? Oh my, no, they've got a restaurant called Teddy sandwiches and it is dealing. Teddy's sandwiches a yes, and out there, Phoenix airports where I get outfits like this just blowing beautiful.

I asked tech designs and actually my headband is also from the Phoenix airport. Sometimes I fly. Stay for six hours and had right on home. 

Halle: Is that right? What about that long, chunky necklace? Is that a Chico or is that also from the, yeah, now 

Janey: my Chico Chico, but I bought this at a rummage sale. 

Halle: Wow. You know what you know, I love my garage sales, cause I've seen you at some of the garage sales around.

I get the newspaper and I'm there at 6:00 AM. I got to get the good stuff and you know who I'm always vying with at the early garage sales, the Amish, the Amish love a garage sale, 

Janey: they sure do. And we can identify them by. Garb in that. Right. Okay. 

Gray: You know, I just want to get us back, cause I'm not sure if anyone is going to be interested in that, but I do want to point out Janie, you have done something amazing just out on the lawn and I guess you're calling it a hedge of protection and I just love that.

It's a beautiful Headrow as you come into the church now, and you're basically walking up, I would say a football field length. Of boxwood hedges and all through it, you have just done the ma amazing topiary work that just says you're entering a hedge of protection and I've really where'd you get that idea?

I just love 

Janey: that. Well, and fortunately for me, I once saw a movie. Called that shiny. I know, like to say that word because it is not as, uh, as you might imagine, I hear the shining. I think we're going to see something about maybe some kids stars or, you know, they got, oh, I shine bright, like a dyad mind. No, this was terrifying.

And the only part of the movie, I enjoyed words that amazing maze. Oh, I not, how can I get back these two hours of a nightmare viewing? I'm getting a belt, something at the church to rectify me watching that Jack is that knotty boy do his damage. So that's where I got the idea, frankly, from a scary movie, a scary, he works.

He works in mysterious. 

Gray: And I think anybody entering the head, just going to feel that and not hopefully think about that movie, which is, yeah, I think, uh, definitely not where I thought we would, where I would ever, uh, you know, I have an, we have a different movie in Australia. We've got this movie. It's it's the shining is based on it, actually.

Yes. And it's called the little tin boy instead of a hotel. It's a campsite in the Outback and it's, and he's being chased around by killer kangaroo. I don't really want to get in. But, uh, yeah, the little tin boy, he says red rom and he does all the things, but, um, yeah, no hedges in that movie. So it's like, but actually based on an Australian 

Janey: movie, that sounds terrifying.

I can go through I'm the loose nut.

Halle: where they're like showing their pecs and their huge muscles. These like male kangaroos are like weightlifters or powerlifters or something you ever seen that. 

Janey: Goodness. No, I have not. And I don't want to see it. And I'll promise you this. I'll never shave a Bush in that shape. You know 

Halle: what Janie? I do have to say I was just tickled to death when I was first checking out the hedge of protection that you were growing and trimming.

And I hear a voice on the other side,

on the other side, and I said, Jane, and you said, oh, and I startled you. You said. Praying a hedge of protection upon my hedge of protection so that no demons can pass this point. And when people are in the hedge of protection, they will be protected by the powerful name of Jesus. I thought that was so cool that you were given us a double hedge.

Janey: Well, you know, my love of writing. So a lot of times when I'm praying fast, I'm actually crapping. And I have read there in the Guinness book of world records, a rapper out of Michigan named Marshall Mathers. He's in the Guinness book for a certain amount of words per for a song titled something very blasphemous, rap dad.

No, thank you. Don't do it. Get your bet through it. So I thought, well, you know what, when I'm praying over my plants, what if I could beat his record? How nice would it be for me at 79 years old to be in the Guinness book of world records for hitting a certain amount of words per second, just like this young man has 

Gray: done well, it sounds like you're probably pretty close.

I'd love to hear what you've been 

Janey: working on. Chicken, but let's try it. So I approached the hedge and I'm like,

because he had a heads up protection. No, no erection, no protection. Get your head shot. And then that's it. It's like, it's like seven or eight hours. You better grow, grow, grow. The good Lord is on his, got his eye on you and you better not. That dang old flu. Cause it's time for you to hit the sky. You're a heads up our text at nine.

You are my guy. All right, then did you tie me 

Gray: Denise? And I could barely understand it. It was going so fast too. It just pouring out of you. What a 

Janey: God thing. As seminar

job, Jacob her name is Ruth. You see that those were all words that you could only catch a few probably cause that's me. 

Gray: Okay, because I heard, I definitely heard jam job and I heard her name is Ruth in there somewhere, but yeah, Ruth favorite. I told 

Janey: you the whole story of Ruth. If you could slow it down, you'd be able to hear it.

Wow. 

Halle: I wouldn't. Backmasking when they put satanic backmasking messages enter into a hard rock albums and you pick up the satanic messages. I wonder if, when we listened to you speed rap. If we're still picking up the truth of the story, 

Janey: I only understood one third of what you just said, but I'm going to go ahead and say.

That's it, you know, Janie, if 

Halle: you weren't white and 79, I would say you could be in Hamilton. 

Janey: How fun be and led man. Well, Opus watch Disney plus at July 3rd, 2020. 

Halle: Did it make you so proud to be an American. Subprime now, Janie, I noticed over the pandemic that everybody got to take long breaks from work, except for you.

You were out there tooling around some spring, summer, fall, and winter. You were out there in a rain coat. You were planting the tulip bulbs you in the summer, you were on your, your big John Deere riding mower. Just scooting along the way. I mean, you worked the whole 

Janey: time. I did. I tried to stay home a little bit and, and, uh, and you know, a lot of the church officials were encouraging it.

So I, I stayed home for, uh, a moment, but you know what chicken, but I gotta get out there and do what I do. I have to do it. Or else you'd have some kind of secret garden when you tried to come back. If I didn't take care of things, Then you'd come back and you wouldn't see the dang church. You'd be hidden by all my greenery.

And then you'd say, is it a secret world? And I'd be inside of it going, it is a secret guard now, 

Gray: Janie. Uh, I remember you were married. How's your husband. 

Janey: Ask her is fine. He's at, he's just hit 85 or 79. I'm heading into a major birthday BPW. Ooh. I asked her it's fine. He walked down with me as you know, to any of the church activities.

And I don't know if you saw in the newsletter, but I've been hosting. Wider aerobic side, Tuesday mornings. I'm in the bowl right 

Halle: here in the twin Hills Olympic sized pool. Leaking water aerobics. That must be why you look 

Janey: so fit. Oh, I'll tell you what chicken bite you're heading into 80. You'd better get.

Body and shape. And when I'm riding my mower or trimming my hedges, it's not cardiovascular. It's just Tony. That's just toning. 

Halle: Yeah. When you're shaking on a John Deere, is it like one of those, remember how they used to put you in. Things that would jiggle your fat and in the eighties and in, in, and it would make you like, um, it would, it was like a workout, uh, just from sitting there and letting these, uh, what was that?

Have you ever 

Gray: seen that? I wasn't even born in the 

Janey: eighties. Ah, I was around and let me. It's called a shake Mader, and it's supposed to stimulate your cellulite and remove those pockets by using belts to whip them into a frenzy. Wow. So do you get in the shape? We're going to get the bag because that's how your body goes.

That one was out. That was a. Doesn't work. I 

Gray: think that is this amazing. I'm so glad that you reminded us. You can do that. 

Halle: Yeah, I think you're better than this Marshall Mather that nobody's heard of. No, 

Janey: the marshals I want is the one where I can buy a nice three X blouse for 1999. 

Gray: Now Janie, I did want to ask you because a lot of people had been, uh, I think, I think that would was at first a bit confused or surprised, but then I reminded them.

You had a great long career as a young performer in vaudeville, and it's just so wonderful to me that you have continued that tradition because every now and again, I'll see you out by your mower doing a little routine. Is it the chuggle Lou? Is that the. Song and dance you were doing. And what is 

Janey: that?

It's called that

yes. W I usually do the trigger loo. It's a reminder to keep hydrated. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's how I use the famous song. The chugger Lou, which was, was made, uh, was made known during vaudeville by little teeny Tampson, who was one of the cutest little performers yet ever did see, uh, unfortunately died at 12 of the Spanish.

Oh, no, but before that point, that, that was the original chugger loo. And it was at that time about chugging down your medication. Okay. I use it for a water 

Halle: now. That's amazing. Janie. I've just realizing you lived through the Spanish flu and COVID, you've lived through two pandemics. 

Janey: Oh, that is one hand.

Correct. I welcome the third because as we all know, things happen in threes and that as long as I take good care of myself, keep up with my Earobics and keep up with my, I mean, I've lived through a lot. I've been around this world in a trunk, many times living. Oh really in a trunk, you know how hard it is to travel when you're part of a vaudevillian cavalcade?

Uh, no. What is that? We've got animals. We've got people, we've got animals and people it's a lot and they put 

Gray: you literally in a. 

Janey: Many times my parents, you know, they needed to keep it, not glad it had holes. That's how they slipped me the candy. 

Halle: So, Janie, what are your hopes and dreams for your 80th birthday 

Janey: party?

Uh, you know, I already spoke to Steve pastor Steve, and I said, I would love to do something. On the grounds. 

Gray: And what did he 

Janey: say? He said, I'll let you know. It sounds just like, so I feel as promising and if he doesn't say so then I'm going to grab old grumpy asker, and we're going to head out to the Phoenix airport and maybe we'll even go into Phoenix because I hear they have a zoo.

That's very nice. I will, of course avoid the kangaroo. And I'd also like a cake. I'd love my children to gather they're scattered to the wind. I, my grandkids, I guess, would help everyone could get together and we can have a, have a, have a bit of punch some cake. You both are invited. 

Halle: Oh, oh, I will be there.

Janie. Are you going to do like a, a rhyming speech that night to your loved ones and your children and 

Janey: Fred. It Matt

we keep the cake, I guess, said 28 words. Wow. I 

Halle: love that. I think I'm starting to pick them up. I'm starting to hear 

Janey: it. Well, remember back in the day it was okay, here we go. And I could only maybe rive six words. It would be like. I dive a car. It goes very far. Well, I, you know, in the pandemic, I really put pedal to the metal on my solo trips, all over the grounds and my hair mower.

And I went for it. Working rhyme, slack rhymes, heading the, heading the words. 

Gray: Yeah. I can really tell you worked on it. It's so incredible. Janie. Do you ever, and maybe this is a sore subject, but do you ever consider retirement because you're 80 years old? It seems like you've never stopped working from a very young age when you were locked in a trunk all the way through the time that you tie to umbrella.

So I really would love to know, is that something you're considering, are you just going to, as they say, you know, uh, work until you. What do they say that 

Janey: I will work? Until I die. And that is my plan. Mr. 

Gray: Man, you don't have to grab me by the shirt to 

Janey: tell me that I have to hold you close to let you know something.

The minute I retire is the minute the world's on fire. Okay. Look me in my eyes. I'll take this necklace off and I'll shove it down your throat. If you mentioned me retiring one more day. 

Gray: Okay. I hope so. 

Janey: Sorry, did she grab some 

Halle: chest hair? 

Gray: I don't have 

Janey: chest out. It felt smooth as a baby. Oh, you 

Halle: shave? Do you shave your whole body?

Gray: Absolutely not. I do infrared hair 

Janey: removal. I do a lot of that with the, uh, lazy Susans. I've always 

Gray: thought it was called the black eyed Susan. 

Janey: Oh, I like the lazy Susan. 

Halle: You know what other churches have birds of paradise. We have birds of prey. Other churches have black guides. We got the lazy Susans.

That's 

Janey: exactly. Hey Allie, I could sit here and describe to you the intricate ins and outs of hundreds, of species of plant and flower, but you wouldn't want to hear me giving you all my expertise. I'm those beautiful plants. You know, we've, we've got the green chairs, we've got the purple lady said we've got the five, Lord's a leap.

And we have dance, dance revolution. There are plants. You wouldn't know you're enjoying them on the grounds, but you don't know their names. I 

Gray: do. Y, uh, no, you didn't. Wow. You're really strong. Anyway, I just would say that, um, and not to bring this up and I'm not saying the word, I'm just saying maybe you, is it ever something that you consider that you work too much and you could give yourself more of a break and maybe that break eventually could be permanent where you don't have to go to work anymore.

And you're just staying in. 

Janey: Yeah. I tell myself, doubt that work and don't rest and DOE not appreciate your job. Do go to work adult, not accept a paycheck. Do ride the mower. Doubt, not walk him. Snow boots do trim that had. Dough not, not watch scary movie. These are words 

Halle: to live by Janie. Thank you, credible.

And I do just want to say Janie. Um, I hadn't told gray about this, but you were telling me about your cold water swim club that you were getting gals to come do some cold water bathing in the right here in our retention pond on campus. And you all have the matching flower. Uh, bathing calves and that, and that it's very invigorating for your health to get in freezing cold waters.

Janey: Yes, this is I practice. That's all that's time. Put on a bathing cap covered in flowers and go in a buff in red painting pools or other cold wider. So you're not wearing a 

Gray: suit, 

Janey: new Dez baby Jude. Well, that's 

Halle: good that it's because it's a, women's only group, right? You're trying to recruit gals. I've been thinking 

Janey: about it.

I've been, you should do it. I can't tell you how great it feels to sit with your naked, but on a slimy little retaining wall of a tiny pond and look over and see your gal pals. Enjoy. Same commune with nature. It's how he was in that garden. And you know how I feel about our grounds being my yard personnel.

Even I have 

Halle: such a strange relationship with my own nakedness. I even in the shower, I feel uncomfortable. I use a very thick loofa so that I don't even touch my own naked by. I feel like with you in the cold water gals, I could maybe learn a little bit more about like being comfortable in my own, you know, mortal colloquial, so to speak.

Janey: I love that for you. In fact, I didn't bring my long hallway mirror that I got at target and we all stand over the mirror nine up and we look at our old. But Jimin we stayed at right in the line and we'd just, we'd look over and down and it's very healing. 

Gray: Is it just 

Halle: look like a line of snails waiting to get into a club?

I have to ask because I've never seen what I have going on in my pants, so to speak. And, um, I mean, how do you feel when you look, when you look at. Um, body in that way. I mean, what 

Janey: happens to you? Yes. Like looking into the mouth of a Venus fly trap. 

Halle: Ooh. I, it sounds right to me, 

Gray: I'm just going to offer up a prayer, uh, quickly because I just, God has put it on my heart to pray for Janie because I, you know, and I don't know where this comes from other than, you know, uh, God, I just want to.

Offer up Janey is just one of your servants who is just working so hard, Lord for everything, all your, all your plans here at twin Hills. And I just, Lord, I really just want to encourage her to talk about the things that we all want to hear about, uh, in, as a part of your creation. And, and that can, that includes in, is not limited to the ground.

Uh, vaudeville, maybe rhyming words, but it, anything beyond that, Lord, I would just encourage you to have her steer back toward the things that, um, that we all know and love and, and Jesus and Christ's name specifically. We pray. Amen. 

Janey: That was beautiful. Now I'm going to offer up a prayer for you. Great. Ooh,

a man. There was a 

Halle: powerful prayer and John heard every word. Every 

Janey: word God. Yes. Good. Here. He could decipher. 

Halle: That is incredible. Uh, Janie. I mean, I really feel the. Of prayer here tonight. This is incredible. I don't know if 

Janey: no, God has his own recording device. He knows how to slow down the audio and speed it up.

Gray: Janie. That is beautifully. And I do have 

Halle: to say Janie that I think the flowers and plants on this campus. Are the luckiest flowers and plants and foliage and fauna and all of that in the whole wide world, because I was reading something in a highlights magazine or some such in the dentist office waiting room about how it's good to talk to your plants because you give them your carbon.

Uh, yes. And, um, And that it makes them more healthy. And if you're walking around the grounds, talking to your plants and praying and, and rhyming, I mean, that's why this is such an excellent, like, beautiful, perfect. Well, 

Janey: and I thank you for that. You know, as I'm gearing into my final chapter of years, I have found that there is one thing that has held me close besides the loving arms of Jesus Christ.

And that is my two feet on the earth. Down. And then I will move, as it says, in Galatians 11 eleventy, I will move within this world through the plants and I will sniff the nectar and that will be my commune with the Lord. So. That is speed done said now 

Gray: I'm not familiar with that one that, that Galatians, but I love that.

And it's powerful. You know, Janie, I did want to ask you, how is your relationship with God, especially during all the, these last two years has and how have you grown closer to him? 

Janey: We've grown closer sheerly by the fact that my husband asked her is so dang, secondly, that I often have no one to speak to, but God and the plaques asked her and I tried to watch a few series together, which survivors' season one through 22, uh, Luther.

The Baby-Sitters club. We can never agree if I enjoy it. He wants none of it. If he enjoys it, I want none of it. So finally, But God, for our first time, in this many years of marriage to sleep in separate rooms of the house, it's okay. I don't have to hear his sleep apnea machine whirling in my ear. Like a dang tornado.

Gray: I mean, it's part of the problem there between survive a Luther in Baby-Sitters club, you sort of Scottish shotting the genre a bit too far that maybe you two should discuss something that you like. 

Janey: Let's speak up. Speaking of scattershot, we just write down the names of series on little slips of paper, and then we reach into a bolt that might be our problem.

We have no discussion. It's more of a random. 

Gray: I see. And so you watch all 25 seasons of survivor before you 

Janey: decide, let me to, you want to talk about plants? They got, I also got that mole. We put the piece of paper. At the Phoenix airport, beautiful mosaic sides on this thing, every angle, different to the eye.

Now, you know, things cost more at the airport. That's because it's quality merchandise. Is that right? Then you buy something at the airport. It's quality. 

Halle: Well, Jamie speaking of vaginas, why is it that flowers? So often, if you really look into a flower in its blossoms and its pistols and stamens or whatnot, that's in there, you can really kind of, um, I mean, I, I couldn't, but like say a.

Oh, what is that? What 

Janey: kind of got one right here. This is what they call a grocery store. Variety orchid. Awesome. Now tell me that doesn't look like tiny, but Jina flower. I mean, 

Gray: I really, I just really want to offer up another parade, Lord, that. Uh, you've put on my heart and I would just pray Lord that we go ahead and circle back Lord to some of the important work that you're doing here at twin Hills, that doesn't have anything to do with, um, the comparison that these, these comparisons Lord 

Janey: amen.

Sometimes I look at a flower and it makes me want to bake because that's similar word to flour, really, and flour. And I think to myself, it might be time for some cookies. Here we go. Gun raisins, oatmeal, sugar, flour, put to exit, use your power, roll them up and lock them with a bee and put them in the oven.

Fire. I scanned me. 

Gray: Why do you mock them? The 

Halle: beatitudes that Jesus talked about on the sermon of the Mount, 

Janey: I'd mark them with a B because of. Beauty. And there's nothing more beautiful than a cookie in my mouth. Awesome. 

Halle: That is so awesome. 

Gray: Okay. Um, you know, well, I, I just thank you so much Janie for bringing your expertise and, uh, You know, I guess if I could offer a prayer, it would be a hedge of protection around you.

Uh, and that maybe the protection that the hedge could also surround me because I did learn a few things. I'd, I'd like to forget. 

Janey: Let's get into that hedge together and we'll work to find our way out. Okay. And if we can't, we will simply sing an old vaudevillian song. God lead me to the exit.

she out lead me, lead me and I'll follow you.

and our love will be.

It's a vaudeville classic

Halle: Janie Meyer was played by Jamie Moyer. She is one of my all-time favorite humans. God, she's so funny and genuinely kind of brilliant. Follow her at jam. I'm Holly Lorena playing Holly Labonte and gray house was played by. Greg has followed us and mega the podcast on Twitter and Instagram. And if you really want to get out of hell free card, support us on Patrion.

The link is in the show notes.